What about effort?

Nowadays we are so proud of our abilities to end a relationship (of any kind) when things get difficult. What about being proud of our ability to complete a relationship?


It is easy to walk away from an uncomfortable situation. We do it every single day. Walk away from the homeless person, the weirdo in the bus, the drunk on the street, that friend who call us out on our bullshit, that person who can helps us when we just want to be a victim, conflict at work, at home, inside ourselves...

Staying away from the uncomfortable is the best way to never progress. Living in my comfort zone is not challenging. Everyone agrees with me. We congratulate each other for being the same, not wanting the same things, sharing the same pain, choosing the same coping mechanism, ... Cheers to us!

But, the simple fact that we cannot face homelessness, weirdos, drunks, conflicts should be an indicator that something is triggered within us. This something refuses to see itself.

It could many things: What would other people think if I stop to talk to a homeless person so they do not feel invisible? What would my friends think if I change my mind about this? How will they react? Will they still be my friends if I disagree with them?

Each of us want to belong. We want to be acknowledged, seen, heard. So we tend to be sheeple. Nothing wrong with that. It is a natural instinct because we would not survive on our own.

But do you think we could change our mind set to reward effort and not so much the ability to say "fuck it" and walk away?

I can see it within my female friends and myself as well. This ability to walk away from a painful relationship. This privilege that was not granted to our mothers or grandmothers or anyone before them. It was frowned upon to leave your partner. It was a life goal to be married and have a family. I highly appreciate this privilege and I invite anyone male or female who feels like they are not happy, they give more than they receive, they are not seen or valued in their relationship, to walk away. But when everything has been done, when the relationship is still not bringing to you what you expect, when you have walked away, don't stop there: Look back and find out WHY?

It is one thing to walk away from a painful situation but it is another to walk away from the pain...


We act as mirrors for each other. When we refuse to see, hear or talk about something this is when we need to gather some courage and get our hands dirty!

Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash

I have done it so many times, walk away from a situation because talking about the misunderstanding and the painful words or action seemed useless. I assumed that the other person "would not understand anyway" or that they "would not care". Telling myself that "I've tried this and that but it does not work!". That probably "This is not meant to be".

It is true, sometimes we did try everything we could possibly think about and it did not work, in which case it is self-preservation to walk away. Nevertheless, it does not mean that our efforts to "save" the relationship cancels the pain we felt when we lost that person. We use our efforts as a band-aid. It's almost like we hope that Pain + Effort = 0 pain.

But that does not make any mathematical sense. I reckon: Pain + Effort = Even more pain.

Indeed, when we start making efforts, we open our hearts even more, we expose it even more to a potential rejection, humiliation, etc. We just pour ourselves even more into the foggy, icy space that we have created between each other. Remember:

A relationship is about the quality of the space that we create between one another


I think completing a relationship could be 2 things:

  • Completing a relationship with the other person: Both working hard at understanding what is wrong between one another and finding courage to start talking about it, shouting about it, if need be but maybe in order to walk out of the fog and find a way to clear the space and increase the quality of the space between each other. This could be done through dialogue, counselling, reading, self-development to understand why we expect this or that? Why the other person have not met our expectation and how to manage our expectations?

  • Completing a relationship with ourselves: When nothing has worked and we had to renounce, abandon the relationship. We are left with grief. Ignoring it is just setting ourselves up for failure in any other relationship of the same kind. Not acknowledging that we suffer, is just abandoning ourselves again. Letting ourselves die just like the relationship did. Letting the wounds rot at the risk of amputation instead of taking care of it.

When we ignore our mental pain is it exactly the same thing as ignoring a physical pain.

If you had a broken leg would you see a doctor or just try and keep walking on it?

And don't give me that look! You know exactly what I'm talking about!

It is only self-sabotage to stay in pain, bury it as deep as possible. Remember, what goes around comes around! This pain ain't going nowhere unless you accompany it outside with compassion, understanding and love.

I know how hard it is to let go. To admit that the relationship no longer is. To overcome the idea of it being a failure. But remember that everything that God sends us is for our highest good. So do not let God down, look into the situation, find what lesson you had to learn from it. To let the pain be in vain.

There are books about healing, TED talks, therapy, coaching, etc. There are many ways to find healing and peace.

Allow yourself to be willing to experience love in all its forms while you are still alive

I hope this article helped you.

. . .

Sawubonasana is a space where you can be yourself, recognized and loved just the way you are. Sawubona means "I see you and by seeing you I bring you into being", Asana means posture, way of living. I've chosen this name for my website because I want to live a life where I see you, I acknowledge your existence and love your uniqueness. In this space you can love yourself, lick your wounds and heal them with love and compassion. You can book a coaching session with me by clicking here.

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