How to overcome hurt?

In this (long) article, I want to talk about this expression I hear a lot “Life’s bitch!”. Well let me tell you how she’s not a bitch and why: Life is an experience, we are here to experiment, so we need to stop being so serious about it.

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

Oscar Wilde [1]

Spiritual childhood

First, let me give you a bit of background about me. I grew up in a spiritual family with also very funny parents! My parents both had their own beliefs. As there was no reason for them to choose one religion over the other, I grew up having two religions. I was Hindu and Catholic.

I was born and bred in Reunion Island which is a place quite unique I believe, and very much spiritual. Unique because it is a place on Earth, where people from different religions, live in harmony, respecting each other and most importantly respecting each other’s beliefs (yes, this place is on Earth!).

Something else shaped my life while growing up there: the approach to healing diseases. We have doctors like anywhere else in France (as it is a French overseas Department, part of the EU), but some of our doctors besides of having graduated from medical universities, also have a strong belief in the relationship between the mind and the body. They believe we are more than just flesh and bones. We are spirits and as such have a mind that influences our body quite significantly to the point where it can create (and heal) diseases. Such doctors have people queuing in front of their practice from 4 am in the morning as they are so popular that it is difficult to get an appointment. Just to clarify, in France, the cost of a GP is covered by the social security system, therefore these professionals are not charlatans trying to empty people’s pocket by telling them fables about their health. If you ask me, they just know their shit!

Spiritual body

Having grown up in a spiritual environment and having had my first experiences of the medical profession under the seal of spirituality, this significantly impacted the way I see my body, my health and my life. I strongly believe in the power of our thoughts. Not only because I read stuff about it (because I read, a lot!) but also because I experienced it and so did many people around me and so did you too! Yes, you did! Remember that thing you thought did not look great on you and then a friend or a lover told you how amazing you looked in it… Magically you felt amazing, wearing the very same outfit that felt like shit a second before!

All right so How we think = How we feel. For the sceptics let’s take an example:

  • Child A grows up in a family where their parents love them: they are nurtured, taken care of, they get hugs and kisses, bedtime stories and all their aunties give them love too. They go to a school where they are encouraged to thrive, etc, etc.

  • Child B grows up in an orphanage. No one picks them up when they cry, so they end up not crying. They never get adopted. No one ever gives them hugs, kisses, no aunties.

Now what will be the quality of the thoughts of each of these kids at the age of 10? 20?

All right, I think we can agree that those children will have a completely different take on life. But life is still not a bitch. Remember we are here to experience.

“It doesn’t matter whose fault it is if it’s your responsibility to fix it”

Will Smith

So here, I want to bring Will in the conversation. Because I think he has a good point, when he says that we should distinguish the fault and the responsibility[2]. It is not Child B’s fault what happened to him, but it is his responsibility to find a way to synthesize happiness.

We must find a way to overcome whatever happened to us. There are many examples out there of people who fought for their happiness and had a rough time (Jay-Z, J.K. Rowling, Eric Thomas, Seal, etc). And look around you, do you have a friend who overcame a fatal disease? Or the loss of a loved one?

Life is too important to be taken seriously! Stop the overthinking, stop wondering what people think about you, stop, stop just stop it!

Focus on yourself !

Un esprit saint dans un corps saint [3]

I strongly believe that the starting point to a healthy life is a healthy mind.

Let’s be honest, none of us has reached enlightenment and therefore we get caught into the day-to-day bullshit (excuse my French).

In my opinion, we are spirits living in a body. I came to this conclusion after reading so much from many different authors, experts in different fields, describe how much the mind influences the body. And as we are spirit, this brings me to the topic of spirituality. It appears to me that spirituality is connecting back to my spirit: my mind. It is about distinguish, in the thousands of thoughts crossing my mind each day which one are coming from a place of Love and will help me move towards a healthier mental state and which one are coming from a place of negativity and will slowly take me down a black hole (aka the Bitchy part of life).

When a thought is negative to the point of making me stay in a state of pain mentally and possibly creating physical diseases too, it is my responsibility to identify the source of this thought. How do I do that?

Well, first I must acknowledge the feeling instead of trying to bury it under loads of spoons of Speculoos spread or countless nights out with my girls! Because that is self-sabotage and it is not helping me heal my pain. I am simply choosing to ignore it. This is as stupid as not going to the doctor if I broke my arm. In order to acknowledge my pain, I have to stay on my own. Solitude is where we find answer. No distractions, just me, my thoughts and I… Ugly. It is ugly, and it will be ugly for a while, but, it will get better too. It is so hard to admit that whatever people did to us, we just kept on doing it to ourselves forever and made it worse. Why?

The power of a belief

“The belief is not merely an idea that the mind possesses. It is an idea that possesses the mind”

Richard Oxton Bolton

Because we believed them. As much as this very thought is forking hard to believe, it is true. Let’s try a little exercise!

  1. Think about a time where someone insulted you, but you were completely oblivious to it, because it seemed completely absurd to think that about you or you really couldn’t care less about their opinion.

  2. Think about a time where someone really hurt your feelings… It’s potentially still a bit painful now if you haven’t found the cause of the pain.

In the first example, the person telling you that had no credits, or they attacked you on something you are super confident about. On the second example, different story, that stuff hurt man. It could come from someone you love or about a topic you’re just not so solid about.

Let me share my examples…

  1. A guy told me a was stupid. Well I couldn’t care less because I am not stupid. I don’t know everything about everything, but I am not stupid. So, his words did not touch me.

  2. My dad told me after not seeing me for about 6 months, that he would have preferred to see one of my other siblings. Well that shit hurt. Big time.

Well first, let’s me reassure you. My dad is great. We all make mistakes. He never meant to say that he was not happy to see me, he was just saying (in a way that probably could have been better) that he was really missing my other sibling that he hasn’t seen at the time for a few years.

So, what happened here is very simple: I took his words personally. It had nothing personal, it was just him sharing the fact that he missed someone else very much, but I assumed that he was just not happy to see me and would rather see someone else instead.

Why did I think that: Because I always assumed that he loved my siblings more than he loved me.

Let’s clarify:

  1. My initial thoughts were telling me for years that my dad loved my other siblings more than he loved me (probably a classic bullshit tool used by the mind on everyone of us, but we all buy it! #prank)

  2. I took his words personally when he was just sharing his feelings

  3. I made assumptions. I did not ask any questions to clarify what he said. I just thought I knew!

Those typical errors that we make on a daily basis are the source of our hurt!

We think we know, we are absolutely sure that this look, this gesture, this thing he/she did meant this or that. We think we are mind readers! Well let’s be clear, as much as some of us would love to: we are not mind readers. We are people in pain, walking around like zombies, bumping into each other and blaming each other for all the pain we suffer, when actually we could just sit down at home for a while, get ourselves sorted with a few band-aids and once all is clean and healed get some fresh air.

But well, sitting at home taking care of ourselves is not really Instagram-able, so instead we always find a way to be entertained.

Well my advice on how to overcome hurt is to read the 4 agreements, but in the meantime let me describe what the book is about:

  • Be impeccable with your words: That is the key! Stop bullying yourself for fork’s sake! I mean why? Here is something I use which is helpful when my mind starts to hiss at me: I imagine my "Bad Emilie" is talking to a 4-year old Emilie. I just imagine myself as a child (And God I was cute!) and trust me "Bad Emilie" goes like: “Shit! I can’t insult a child, what did you just do?!” And my 4-year old just laughs and guess who gets hissed? Play the player! It’s freaky Friday, turn that s*** around! If the child does not work, then imagine you would talk to yourself out loud in front of a crowd or imagine you were talking to a friend… You ain’t gonna say all that mean stuff, are you?

  • Don’t take things personally: I mean the example with dad was so clear. People are busy talking about themselves. When someone is mean with you, just imagine how mean they are with themselves. One of the things I’ve seen change a lot since I talk nicely to myself is how much I cannot think badly about someone else without feeling guilty (even more so than before, I mean I was raised in two religions… Can you imagine the amount of guilt I can carry?!). Just don’t take it personally and if anything, …

  • Don’t make assumptions: Just ask, clarify the situation, clear the air, break the ice, have the talk… Do whatever you need to not make assumptions!

  • Do you best! Yeah! Because remember: that is all you can do. Be patient with yourself and sometimes just give yourself some nice kicks in the ass if needed. Take actions: Start writing a journal, follow me on Instagram and Pinterest. I have quotes, messages and stuff to support you. You can also visit my Toolbox page (yeah here, on my website!) where I share what helps me. Find some inspirational TED talks, After Skool videos, movies, books or friends. Find a routine that makes you feel happy and BELIEVE! TRUST that you are doing your best!

“You can only do better, when you know better”

Maya Angelou

Well thank you for reading this and hopefully you’ll get you’re a** into gear and overcome hurt. Do not let what happened to you break you. Email me if you wanna discuss it.

I hope you enjoyed this article, if it helped you please share so it can help more people and subscribe to never miss it again!

. . .

Sawubonasana is a space where you can be yourself, recognized and loved just the way you are. Sawubona means "I see you and by seeing you I bring you into being", Asana means posture, way of living. I've chosen this name for my website because I want to live a life where I see you, I acknowledge your existence and love your uniqueness. In this space you can love yourself, lick your wounds and heal them with love and compassion. You can book a coaching session with me by clicking here.

[1] According to GoodReads Oscar Wilde said that, but I have found the usual debates about who said what on some google pages. So please don’t throw anything at me if Oscar did not say that.

[2] WIll Smith After Skool YouTube video

[3] A healthy spirit in a healthy body

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